Christmas with the black cloud

30th December and Christmas 2017 is now done, I have even taken the tree down although I am definitely not ready for January to arrive.

January = Deployment day

We found out in October that my husband was being deployed in January for over six months, it wasn't expected and it took a while to sink in. It meant that Christmas in my mind needed to be absolutely amazing and we would be blissfully happy throughout the entire duration of the festive season...no pressure! 

The reality was we all bickered, ate and drank too much and the job list I wrote my husband of 'things you need to do before you go away' has not had one of the jobs ticked off as yet BUT we did make it to the end of the list of things I booked and have made some lovely memories. We have over spent but we've said it over and over...we can save while he is away so might as well spend now while he is here.

Lovely hotel we stayed at in Winchester

I know myself, I know how I tick and I knew that Christmas would have a black cloud of deployment over it but I've made myself try where I can to put that in a box so it didn't ruin the festive season. The last long deployment we did I lost the plot in this pre-deployment phase, I just couldn't cope.

Six months or so just felt like such a huge mountain to climb and I wasn't confident I could do it staying in one piece with my sanity still intact.

I do feel like that now but I am not quite so unpredictable, I am not being purposely horrible to my husband and I'm not spending hours on end in bed crying...so it's an improvement! 

I have however felt vulnerable, I have wanted to batten down the hatches and overdose on my little family and my husband, I have felt really protective over our Christmas and not wanted any outside influences to ruin it. I have felt selfish.

***

Over Christmas I have thought so much about everyone who has had someone deployed because I have been there too and its rotten, I hope you are all OK and glad it is now over....give yourself a high five because I actually don't think there is anything harder than a Christmas deployment. You did it! you can now concentrate on some routine and normality returning so your countdown can begin again. 

As I found it hard to know what to send in a parcel when my husband has been away for Christmas I also found it really hard to think of what to buy my husband this year as he is actually going to be away for most of 2018 (deployment, home for a little bit then another couple of months away) the internet is a wonderful thing and I found a few things that I thought I'd share as you may want to send out to your loved ones if they are away or give them before they go.

Firstly a personalised printed pillowcase, a really simple idea which can be used wherever they are in the world. Lightweight and easy to pack/post. I got mine from Ultimate Line as found they were the cheapest (£4.99) and am really pleased with the quality. Website HERE and also available on eBay.

I also got a personalised wallet card from Martha Brook London, just a few special words for him to take away. Was £10 and ordered via the website HERE

Something else which I thought was a good find was the Battle Bags of coffee from the Contact Coffee Co a company run by ex military, I got a couple of the packs of 10 bags and again lightweight so easy to pack and/or post Just £4 for a pack of ten which you can order via their website HERE

 

I don't want January to come and to be quite honest I'm entering 2018 with real trepidation; I know deployment is hard it will be our seventh long tour, I'm scared because I know where he is going and how I have felt when he has been there previously and I know that invariably things go wrong when you are flying solo and I keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios of what might go wrong which is hard work on my emotional well-being.

I want to be brave and strong but I know I need to take my own advice and be kind to myself.

For all of us 2018 will bring challenges and I will be right here documenting our deployment as a modern military family in the hope of spreading some strength, I might need the odd hug too from you guys! 

Lots of love as we enter 2018 together, Louise xxx

My husband got me a new bracelet with his initial on so he is with me all the time he is away, so special.

I'm right there with you

It really has been a manic 10 days or so but here I am past 8pm sat on my laptop a few days before Christmas (with presents to buy and wrap still!) sitting and reflecting on all of you who I have met this week, your stories are imprinted in my mind and I have cried tears for all of you at various points.

I am also crying writing this post....a) they are I am so exhausted tears and b) because my heart aches for so many of you who are separated this Christmas.

I have spent Christmases with my husband deployed and the memory of those times are etched deep within me, I didn't want to put a tree up, I didn't want to be festive, I didn't want to go to parties and I didn't want to hear of all the lovely things everyone else was doing with their families because mine was fragmented.

Nothing I write will make you feel better about a solo Christmas and there is no right or wrong way for you to get through the next couple of weeks, but just know that you will, I promise.

Over the last week I have met lots of Little Troopers and their families through some projects we have worked on with LaplandUK, firstly we reunited two families which was one of the most rewarding things I have ever witnessed. From sitting with the nervous dad's waiting to see their families after months and months, to standing outside the Santa lodge hearing the sobs from children who were finally reunited with their parents to crying silently with the team who brought it together to watching the children wearing the biggest smiles walking hand in hand with the early Christmas present they had so longed for. I will never forget that day.

Waiting to hear the cue to reunite our Royal Navy dad with his Little Troopers

 

A few days later I was back at snowy LaplandUK this time with military families who had someone deployed over Christmas this year, to sprinkle some Christmas magic.

I get so emotional because it is always so close to home for me; I've felt that longing to cuddle my husband, I have felt that sadness of a Christmas on my own, I have felt that resentment of other people enjoying time together, I have felt that helplessness when my daughter misses her dad so much. Those tears are because I'm living and breathing this life right by your side.

The LaplandUK scheme doesn't cost the charity any money just time and love and energy to bring it together and I can't lie, it is always stressful in December but as I am winding down for the holidays I can sit and smile and know I did my very best to make as many Little Troopers as possible make a memory even though Mummy or Daddy wont be at home this Christmas and I am sending all my love and hugs to you.

As you know my husband deploys in the New Year so I am tip toeing into this Christmas with the black cloud slowly creeping into my consciousness, I know its on the horizon and that brings that weird feeling in my tummy when I think about it which will only get more frequent as deployment day looms. Right now though we are working our way though that list of endless festive things I booked to bimble though hopefully making some nice memories (read previous post here on this!)

I will write an after Christmas post and let you know how it goes and I will also write a post about what to buy the military partner who is going away for most of the following year! I've struggled but there's a few things I've found that I want to share, you might find them useful (obvs can't write it yet pre Christmas as he tends to be a lurker and reads these posts sometimes!)

I should also touch on The Sun newspaper article that ran last week about the charity, you can read it HERE, Little Troopers is in dark times financially with the pennies seriously drying up. The thought of having to close the charity makes my heart actually hurt and I really will fight until the last penny, I've not given up and a few amazing people are helping me to try and secure funding, raise money, pull together and make sure that Little Troopers remains. I will keep you posted.

Whatever your situation this Christmas remind yourself it is just one day, just another roast and time will pass bringing your light at the end of the tunnel closer. Be kind to yourself and know you aren't alone.

To all of you who have been so supportive over the last week or so THANK YOU, you are making me more determind then ever to carry on and to all of you who I have met in the last few days you have reminded me why I founded Little Troopers and why it is so important the charity is here for military children.

All my love and hugs, I will be thinking of so many of you over the next week so. Louise xxx

From me and the big man in red HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

I promise I won't give up

I have tried so many times to write posts over the last few weeks but just couldn't find the words, it really has been a strange time for a few reasons but today I decided I wanted to write a thank you to YOU, yes you for reminding ME I can't give up.

As you know if you've followed recent posts my husband was recently deployed for a few months, while he was away we found out he was deploying in early 2018 for seven months. This wasn't a tour that was on the radar or we were expecting so it took me a while to process it and get my head around it whilst frantically deciding we needed to book EVERY SINGLE FESTIVE ACTIVITY on the planet all at once so we had the most amazing Christmas we have ever had and we would waft through the seven months apart blissfully on the memories.

You and I both know there is a blog post coming very soon where the reality is oh so very different!

I am even rolling my own eyes at the way I am striving for a perfect Christmas prior to a long deployment because the pressure will be too much, emotions will be running high and I will be dreading the inevitable so will have the strange detachment behaviour I seem to have perfected, but hey I'm human and deployment does odd things to me!

I am living and breathing this military life just like you are, I was in the military and I'm married to the military with our own Little Trooper, moving lots as we live in military housing. Little Troopers was founded because my daughter needed support and no one would help me, her, us.... it was founded because lots of other military families said they also needed specific support, there was a very clear void in the support offered to children who have one or two parents serving in the British Armed Forces.

I absolutely did not wake up one day and want to start a charity, I had left the military and started a very full on and very full time corporate job but my daughter was suffering right before my eyes and no matter how many emails I wrote NO ONE would help and empower me to guide her through the challenges she was facing. I had to do something, anything to ease her suffering.

I read every single one of your emails and messages, I cry tears at most of them, I KNOW how much military children need this charity, and I promise you I won't turn my back on them.

We applied recently for some vital funding because as a charity we have always struggled to be granted funds and right now we are dangerously low. We don't have overheads, we don't have staff, we don't have a big bank balance but we are the sole charity for all children with a parent serving in the military and we aim to do as much as we can with the little we have to support as many of the 130,000 military children as we can. We were unsuccessful in the funding which was a real blow for lots of reasons but the main reason was to look down the long list of successful bids and see MILITARY CHILDREN AS A WHOLE ENTITY WERE A NON REPRESENTED GROUP, I don't understand it, not one successful project to roll out a consistent approach for support to military children at all and the theme of the funding was families. It isn't about me or Little Troopers, I don't really mind who provides the support but military children deserve recognition and specific tailored support for their various unique challenges.

I couldn't manage a blog post at the time as I was angry and disappointed but I did post on the Facebook page and your comments, messages and emails made me realise WE can still recognise our children, you and I can make sure they get the support needed. It is evident that the Little Troopers community is a strong one, filled with love and compassion and together we will and can be powerful.

I am promising you I won't give up, I will continue to give all my time and love and energy into making sure each day we survive to exist so our children living in this military life don't grow up disadvantaged, they grow up strong, proud and we helped them navigate through this British Armed Forces world we live in.

So thank you for your comments, messages and emails you made me realise we don't need 'their' approval or money because I have you and together we can ensure Little Troopers remain.

Lots of love, Louise xxx

We got there......finally!

"You must be so excited to have your husband home, is it just fantastic?"

This sentence has been said to me a lot over the last 2 and a half weeks and I feel such pressure to say the right thing, when someone is in front of you asking that question there is an answer they expect...."Yes it is just fabulous and we've been walking on air since the second he walked through the door" but that really isn't the truth.

I think many people from outside the military community have a romantic view about how this person in uniform comes in and out your life and it is rose tinted, great for photo opportunities and something like out of the movies. 

The reality is though it isn't like those quotes you see shared over the internet.

 

Your partner packing a bag and leaving your life for a few months and not having any input in the daily upbringing of children or life in general isn't easy then having to have the ability to manage your marriage on one 15 minute phone call a week which is testing for the strongest of couples to the teaching yourself to fix anything and everything via google searching!

That void is then filled by your partner returning and expecting everything to be exactly as it was as if a pause button was pressed when they left the front door months ago. It isn't.

You will have bought things, changed the living room around, your child will have done lots, changed and grown. You will have been to weddings and christenings on your own and you may well have been through situations that have tested your resilience while you were flying solo. You definitely didn't experience a pause button over that separation period!

This post is about time, it has taken me and my family a full 18 days for us to 'be back to normal' it has been a tough couple of weeks, we've not been walking on air and it hasn't been rose tinted. That time has been needed for all of us to find our feet again, catch up on what was missed and to get things out of our systems that we bottled up over that deployment. I know I talk about your light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes maybe we focus on that return date too much because the truth is sometimes the light at the end is actually a couple of weeks after they come home.

We persevered, we talked and ultimately the years of military life we've lived and the love that we have meant that we stuck with it and knew we'd get there eventually and once again we have. We found our normal but it wasn't instant and it did this time take longer that maybe some other times.

As always be kind to yourself, no homecoming will be the same but ALL will take time and as I say for us that was nearly three weeks! So if you are battling that initial period at the moment and you feel alone because it isn't how you imagined yet, breathe deep and believe that your normal will come, just give it yourselves time.

Louise xxx

Iraq and Afghanistan....you've changed me

Over the last few months I have blogged each week about the feelings and emotions of separation, I mentioned in a few posts about how I feel I have been shaped by various deployments and promised to write a post about it.

My husband is now home for a little while and I feel strong enough to put into words how the last 17 years have made me who I am, I've never openly spoken about this and only my very nearest and dearest know the extent but emotional well-being is something that interests me and I am really keen to hear your thoughts.

Do you think your emotional well-being is/has been affected due to deployments/separations?

Let's go back...waaaaay back to 2002 I know, I know, some of you reading this were probably still at school then but I forget how long I've been living this life! 2002 I was 20 and training to deploy to Iraq with my regiment then I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go so remained on rear party and waved off my husband. Nothing could really have prepared me for that Iraq war, it was a million times worse then I could have imagined with absolutely no contact at all. I was lucky in that I was serving so felt slightly comforted that people would tell me anything I needed to know but still I was young, pregnant, not long married, in a foreign country, all my friends had deployed and my family were all in the UK. It was really tough.

Iraq happened it was a 3 month deployment that initial war, my husband returned, I had our daughter and then....WHAT?! he went BACK to bloody Iraq this time for 6 months. I went back to work after 14 weeks maternity leave and seemed to badly bimble through that second Iraq but ultimately it lead me to leaving the Army as I just had no support and looking back this is probably where it started to affect me. 

When I reflect I can't quite believe everything I went through living in Germany on my own with  a new baby....my neighbours were dodgy so I had the military police camped out in my flat looking through the spy hole for 3 days, another neighbour called my health visitor to say 'my baby wouldn't stop crying' thanks for that as if I wasn't aware! I also got posted to a new regiment that continually reminded me 'you are a soldier first and a mum second' right, thanks for the support!

Myself and our daughter survived and my husband returned for what seemed a short while because then he was deployed on a UN tour of Cyprus. The wheels slightly fell off at this point and I ended up flying out to Cyprus with our daughter who was now about 18 months old.

In the space of 2 years or so I had got married, had a baby, been posted, survived about 16 months of deployment and I was still only 23, I just collapsed in a heap.

  

I needed to recharge, I was totally burnt out. We got a posting back to the UK and I remember really feeling a sense of relief, a really turbulent three years had taken its toll. I talk a lot about our emotional fuel tanks and blogged about it, READ HERE, at this point in my life my tank was totally empty.

We had a few years to catch our breath and my husband didn't go away, let's fast forward a bit to Afghanistan. Now we must be in 2007 and my husband had changed regiment to a UK based and then deployed to Afghanistan, the day he deployed was also the day my mum told me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was all a bit of a blur this tour but was the first our daughter really understood he was away and the contact was really sporadic. He returned and my mum recovered.

The next tour of Afghanistan in 2010/11 was really where I suffered the worst. I really believe long deployments, especially those which come with danger can really scar you. Iraq and Afghanistan were so scary, you just didn't know if that knock at the door would come, you played every scenario through your mind, you feared the worst and hoped for the best. Those emotions are exhausting.

I had a pretty stressful job, our daughter was 7 years old, we didn't live in quarters at this point and now I can be reflective I was not coping one bit. It started before my husband even deployed, just the thought of going back to that worry was sending me over the edge...I knew what was to come, I knew how hard it was going to be and I was frightened for myself and my emotions. Then he deployed. I was anxious and wasn't sleeping, I actually remember one night having my dad on speaker on my pillow all night because I was going stir crazy with worry. I tried to self help and bought myself some books, searched the internet, read some blogs, I joined Twitter which opened up a community of others going through similar and actually made some friends through that which I will be eternally grateful for.

I was working full time, I was crippled with worry and uncertainty, I was desperately trying to help my daughter who was not coping at all with the deployment, I was trying to avoid the news and papers, I was trying to keep everything as normal as possible and failing....

It was without doubt the darkest time in my life

I developed what I now know to be stress induced OCD, it crippled me at night time. (I have never openly discussed this so please be gentle with me but I hope it open discussions) I had so much going round in my head I just couldn't process it, along with the consuming responsibility for a child who was coping really badly with the deployment the output was this behaviour I couldn't control. I would have to unplug EVERYTHING, I was obsessed with checking the front door was locked about 100 times, I always needed to check the cooker hob buttons were off.....I'd then go up to bed, wasn't satisfied so had to go back down and check everything again....then I'd get back into bed....and so the cycle continued. Sometimes this would happen for maybe an hour or more up and down those stairs, checking and re-checking until I passed out having to get up sometimes just five hours later for work. Over the seven months this got worse and worse, I was utterly, totally emotionally and mentally exhausted...the front door didn't even survive the ordeal I had to have the door replaced twice because I had pushed the handles so hard to check it was locked I ended up breaking the mechanism. I was very very private about what was happening only confiding in family and my best friend because I was embarrassed and confused and I am very thankful there was no judgement from them, just worry, they wanted to take it all away but they couldn't.

That tour is why Little Troopers exists.

I got through that tour in one piece as did my daughter, not entirely sure how but those seven months along with all the other deployments previously shaped me, it is why I am who I am today. The OCD subsided and these days if my husband goes away I can feel if it is returning but it is never to the extent it was back then, I know what triggers it, I know it is temporary and I know to give my mind a break. We have a long Afghanistan tour coming up in the new year and I can't lie and say I'm not apprehensive because I am, I want to cope, but only time will tell.

Emotional well-being is so important and it is also important to know yourself and learn about yourself. Our bodies are really complex and stress can have many different outputs, this is just my story and my experiences with hopefully the aim of sharing being that if you are reading this and  going through a deployment and you feel like you aren't yourself then just know you aren't alone and it is often temporary. Your light at the end of the tunnel will come, I promise.

Below is my favourite quote and something I live by, it is so very true. I hope this post has brought some comfort and strength. 

Lots of love, Louise xxxx

A bittersweet homecoming

I don't really know where to start with this post, it seems so much has happened in a short space of time, it's taken me a while to process it all and to reach the point where I could share.

My husband ended up only being away for two months in the end, I think what it does prove is no matter how long the separation period you go on the same journey, we feel the same things be it two months or nine months. Be kind to yourself.

I found out while my husband was away that he is now being deployed for seven months in early January, this will mean nearly 10 months out of 12 he will have been away from home. We weren't expecting this deployment and finding out by text and not being about to chat through everything together was tough.

I felt really numb

He was away, he'd come home, we'd get back to normal for a couple of months then he'll be off again. I also know myself and I REALLY wanted to deal with it well so that there isn't a black cloud over Christmas. It is happening and I want to be a supportive wife so I'm trying very very hard to be positive and know that I will be OK with the help of lots of special people who are in my life.

Enough about the pending deployment.......my husband came home last week and it has taken a full five days for us to settle back into being in each others company. 

How about you? Does resettling back into things take a while for you?

I don't know if I have always been emotionally complex or if 18 years of military life has made me emotionally complex...but the fact remains I am.

Excitement isn't something I feel, relief is always there but not excitement. He came in at about 4am and got into bed, it was dark and I couldn't see him but I was glad to know he was home, it was strange to have someone breathing next to me, how can even breathing annoy you?! The next morning he surprised our daughter and went and woke her up and she was beside herself, so so happy she wore a huge smile all day.

Then reality kicks in, the kit that is left everywhere, the tidy house which suddenly isn't tidy any more, the over flowing washing basket, the empty milk carton....the list is endless and for a couple of days we bicker and I snap. He does really try and blend back in and make it as smooth as possible but I think when they are away we force ourselves to be strong and independent so we  can survive so when they come back it is hard to readjust, just as it was hard when he first went.

The pile that lets you know they are most definitely home!

The harder I push him away the more I need him to pull me closer

 A marriage in the military really is often all or nothing...you go from not hearing from them in nine days to suddenly they are home and on leave at home by your side 24/7 and for any human no matter how adaptable you are, no matter how flexible you think you are emotionally it is hard to switch between the two and no matter how much practice you have I find it doesn't get easier.

So we are five days on from him returning and I feel like its been a really tough 10 days or so of restless nights sleep, emotions running high and over thinking but we are getting there. We feel comfortable again and as a unit we are readjusting and getting used to being 2+1 again.

Some very specials friends and family have been right by my side these last couple of months and I also know they will be there come the New Year once we are saying our goodbyes again. The thought fills me with dread but I am determined to have a really nice couple of months before that is upon us.

For now though......my lobster is home. Louise xxx

DING DING All change!!!!!

Some times it really can feel like you are on this separation train and for this week its has been a funny old ride and it is now our time to get off, I haven't dealt with that very well.

So this was meant to be a three month separation for us but my husband messaged me this week to say he is now coming back next week which means its only been just over two months. It is strange isn't it that in military terms we think that is such a short time but to others outside the military being separated with little contact for over two months would be huge. We shouldn't let ourselves devalue any separation, all are tough.

OK so potentially some of you reading this will be thinking I should be happy about this, jumping for joy, delighted that our light at the end of the tunnel has arrived sooner that we thought and lets be honest it is normally the news that they are delayed not coming back earlier.

The truth is I wasn't happy when I first heard my husband was coming home early

I promised to write an honest account of ALL the feelings and emotions through a separation and so that needs to be the good, the bad and the ugly and do not think this has been an easy post to write. I am laying my soul out but the point of doing that is hopefully to spread that strength that if you too feel any of these things, it is just part of the train ride.

I have now processed things throughout this week and feel ready to articulate what I felt and potentially why and also how I came out the other side.

My husband text to say he was being put on an earlier flight home, he of course was really happy and asked me not to tell our daughter so he could surprise her. All I could think about was how I had planned lots of things, my diary was packed, I was seeing people, saving money and going places in half term AND THIS WASN'T IN THE PLAN!! I was in my groove, the last three weeks or so I'd got there and finally felt like I was coping with deployment and actually enjoying some elements of it. 

My mind had accepted the change and processed it and we were doing just fine.

Now you were going to come home and ruin all that.

Do not for one minute think this has any reflection on my love for my husband, I adore him and have missed him so so much this last couple of months. In that time we have spoken maybe four or five times and I feel like so much has happened at home and he doesn't even know, it has been a tough one. I reacted badly and was a bit of a bitch to him, I pushed him and his excitement away.

I have been kind to myself this week and tried to have time to explore my feelings. You see it is about emotional safety, our emotional fuel tanks take batterings as military families and sometimes I close down to keep myself emotionally safe. It looks like for us we have a seven month tour on the horizon in early January and I found that out again by text message a few days before the early return date. I knew the rollercoaster I had just been on in this separation and just managed to level out and I knew he was going to now come home and I would fall back into family unit mode especially with Christmas leave and then I could already see the next deployment on the horizon.

I was scared. Scared for me and my emotions.  

 

I rationalised, talked about it and as the days passed I came to terms with both things and allowed myself to feel excited about my husband returning. I have missed his face so so much and I honestly can't wait to see him.

Historically I am not great at homecomings, never have been. I find it all a bit awkward and much prefer my husband to just come home with no big fuss and get back to some kind, our kind, of normal.

It really is an emotional rollercoaster and although I never get used to it I am better these days and being kinder to myself, learning why I feel what I feel. We can't control our feelings but we can talk about them to give comfort that we really are all in this together.

Louise xxxx

Me and my Little Trooper

Monday comes round so quick and I am at the point where I can't remember how long my husband has been away, the weeks have merged and I am no longer just getting by each week, it is just situation normal for me.

That isn't the case for my daughter

She has really struggled these last couple of months and this last week I have been thinking about the effect being part of a military family has on my daughter, she is a teenager now and as I have always said be it babies, toddlers, young children or teenagers we have, they all experience some challenges with this military life they just look a bit different through the ages.

I am not from a military family at all, I did move about a bit but from 7 - 17years I was in one place, in one school, with the same people around me and those people are still in my life now. I really worry my daughter won't have that. She has moved so much and been to so many different schools her friends are always in the here and now, we have another move coming so she will have to move again for her A levels. This part of her life she actually seems to not be so bothered about, we talk about the people she's met along the way and I believe it has been a positive in some ways because she isn't a shy child and knows now how we sometimes need a deep breath and some rescue remedy to get us into that room full of strangers and to make friends, this will help her now and as an adult.

Separation has had an affect this time, more so than usual, I look into her eyes and I can see sadness and I feel useless because I wasn't a military child, I don't know exactly what that feels like as a child and I wish I did.

Me and my daughter are so close and I do credit this to being a military family, over her 14 years of life I would estimate that cumulatively six of those years my husband hasn't been at home...that is a LONG chunk where it has just been me and her and your relationship becomes intense, this has positives and negatives. This is the first separation where I haven't let her stay in my bed and if I am honest that has been hard for me as I had become reliant on that but she's 14 now and it was right that I broke the habit and she's just slept in my bed one night when she was poorly. A few people used to say to me 'she shouldn't sleep in your bed' they may or may not have been right but in that moment that was a coping mechanism we both used to get through deployment and separation.

The questions have come thick and fast this time which we haven't had for a few years, some are hard to answer.

"Why can't Dad text me all the time"

"Dad always wants to speak to you for longer than me"

"Why does Dad have to be in the Army"

"Can't he just say I don't want to go"

"I wish Dad wasn't a soldier"

 

What I do know is I support my husband in his choices and I relay that to her, I still to this day regret getting out the Army and I'd never want him to have the same regrets I do, I often get jealous when he goes off as I wish it was me sometimes.....but that's another post! 

Ultimately I just wish I could understand better what she feels and thinks growing up as a military child and my question to you reading this is; if you were a military child yourself does that help you parent your own children in a military family?

 

I do worry and it plays on my mind, is she being damaged? will she grow up like any other child? will she look back and feel it had a negative impact? Just yesterday she went into town with her friends and came back with a huge bunch of lilies she had bought me with her pocket money "why have you bought me those babe that is so thoughtful" and her response was because she'd heard me cry on Saturday night after I put the phone down from her Dad. 

My heart broke.

I try so hard to be strong for her and to not be overly emotional about him being away but an example right there that our children are tuned in to us and how we feel. She made my day with those flowers and I felt so full of love.

For us and our family I know she will go on to be a well rounded, good humoured and hopefully adaptable adult and she has always had the love and support to get through the challenges and hurdles she has faced as a military child and I know there are more to come! 

I founded Little Troopers because I needed help so I could support my child, I couldn't find anything out there and hopefully even if just a little bit the resources and community that has formed is helping and empowering us all to get over those hurdles, together.

There is no right or wrong, remember that. We all just do what we can to get through the days giving the love and support we can to our Little Troopers to guide them through this military life.

Louise xxx

Wishing my life away one week at a time

Life is so precious we are all very aware of that and yet here I am wishing mine away day by day, week by week. I have been very guilty of doing that many times in the past too when we have been separated, wishing the weekends to go quickly, hoping the week speeds past in a flash to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.

The last week has been better than the last few that is for sure, although I am at the stage where I have to squeeze my eyes tightly shut to try and remind myself what my husband looks like. I believe that after a period of time our minds adjust, as humans we resist change and a period of separation is a change that we need to mold to, that takes time but eventually we get there we find our groove and it seems to get a bit easier, providing there are no unexpected hurdles in the road!

That is not to say it's plain sailing, I just mean I haven't cried every day this week!

I feel like a bit of a bruised fruit, so many deployments and separations over the last 17 years some of which have been so hard especially the Iraq war and early Afghanistan I feel like they have shaped me, those emotions have scarred me (I do promise to blog about this in the future). On a daily basis I'm fine as they are buried but that fear, those feelings come flooding back whenever I am faced with another separation period and for me that is why it gets harder not easier and seems to take me longer these days to find that place of acceptance at the beginning of a deployment.

Communication can be interesting while you are separated and definitely sporadic, everyone's experiences are different and I beg you if you are in a regiment/close military community DO NOT enter into the "have you heard anything this week" conversation, it is the worst, the most horrid feeling to hear of others getting calls and you haven't heard a peep, even though they are all in the same place and in your mind doing the same thing. 'He doesn't love me enough to call' 'He's not missing me' all these feelings are normal (or is it just me that thinks these?!) so just avoid those discussions, don't ask and don't tell...... its kinder for everyone and there are so many other things to start a conversation about instead.

 

When you have children, especially older children, you have to share your limited call time with your loved one and that is something this week I was reminded of and honestly, I was in the wrong and I feel so awful about that.

My 14 year old has a need to speak to her dad and I hadn't appreciated that...I of all people should have recognised it. My husband rang and it had been ages since I'd heard his voice and I was so pleased and happy that I got selfish with time, when I put my daughter on the phone he only had literally 4 minutes then had to go.

My daughter was devastated and it was all my fault

"You got 15 minutes and I got 5" I felt so terrible and writing this post I have tears in my eyes, she's missing her dad, she hadn't spoken to him properly in three weeks and I should have been more mindful and shared the call time equally with her which if you have more than one child must be even harder. I know I am the adult, I love my daughter beyond words and I don't want you to judge me for being selfish it wasn't a conscious decision but we get stuck in this bubble at that very moment in time when we take a call don't we, doesn't matter where we are or who we are with because right there and then everything stops to take that call.

Sharing is hard when you sometimes miss them so much you hurt inside

I learnt a big lesson this week and I am promising myself a few things...not to wish my life away or at least to try not to do it too much and to be mindful of not being selfish with phone time for the sake of my Little Trooper.

We aren't perfect and no matter how long you have or haven't been part of the military community every separation will be a different experience depending on how long, where you live, how old your children are at that time, if you are working, how strong you are feeling in that chapter of your life....there are so many variables.

Be kind to yourself, learn lessons about how you work and know that your light at the end of tunnel will come...eventually.

Lots of love,

Louise xxxx

 

Consumed by responsibility

Another week we can tick off, it does seem to gain some momentum after a month or so and then they do pass by, whatever day he goes away always sticks in my mind and it's so bizarre that each week on that day I mentally tick it off with a smile and a pat on the back.

It has been a week of two halves for me, half being of great community vibe as I ran an event locally on Sunday for lots of  ladies who also have someone serving away from home.

It filled my heart with warmth.

We didn't know each other but all ate cake and just chatted a few hours away that would have otherwise been spent in our houses alone, it always reaffirms we absolutely all feel the same. One lovely lady was telling me how she missed a call from a number on her phone and cried because she thought she'd missed her husband calling for the number to then ring back and was a survey call which made her cry again...then her husband did manage to call and she cried again! It is that roller coaster of we can't contact them so it is a waiting game and sometimes they call at the worst time or you miss it and the emotions just spill out. We have ALL been there, those tears when you miss a call are so real.

The other half of this week has been slightly plagued with me really thinking and soul searching as to why I crumble sometimes when dealing with separation, especially as I should be so bloody used to it by now!

I get consumed by the responsibility of having sole care 24/7 for our daughter.

That was a hard admission! I promised myself to honestly account this time apart via the blog and I am finding by doing this I am learning a lot about myself and how I work which hopefully if I can articulate to you it will make others find that comfort and strength I so want to spread.

When I am flying solo for a longer period of time I struggle at night, I struggle when things go wrong and I struggle when it comes to making decisions for our daughter on my own. This week she wanted to go to the cinema with her friends....short story is she is 14 wanted to get a train on a Saturday night to see a 15 film and I just wasn't OK with it for lots of reasons but the point is I didn't have my husband here to ask his opinion, I couldn't ring or text him, I had to make a decision and be comfortable with it, what if she went and something happened and then I would have to take that on my shoulders. I didn't let her go.

There is no manual for being a parent or a military family and some of this is normal everyday stuff but I haven't chosen to be a single parent, I am sometimes due to us being a military family in situations that I just don't feel equipped to deal with and at those times my heart aches a bit that I am in this on my own at times where I just don't want to be.

On top of cinema clash this week my daughter had a situation where she became poorly very suddenly at a swimming competition, it scared her and it scared me and I flapped. I didn't know what to do, my husband is way better than me in situations like that and I felt really rubbish. It was OK, I got her home gave her tons of TLC and she was and will be fine. It shook me up, I wanted to be strong in that situation and I wasn't, all I wanted was my husband by my side.

My daughter was born in a foreign country to two serving military parents, from the age of 20 when I was pregnant I have doubted my ability as a Mummy, six long tours, a million exercises and courses later and I still have times when I doubt myself, when I am alone it is magnified which in summary is why I feel I struggle when my husband is deployed.

Can I fight off the baddies in the night alone?

 

Can I spot when my daughter is a bit poorly or really needs to go to hospital to have her appendix out?

 

Can I make the decision solo that she can do something she's not done before now shes a teenager?

 

Sometimes we are all trying to be Mummy and Daddy all rolled into one to children of all different ages and that is a huge responsibility especially if you can't make contact to get the reassurance you need but as someone said to be this week "all you can do is your best as a parent and your best is always good enough"

Huge high five to all of you out there keeping little humans alive while also managing to wade through a separation period, your best is just perfect for them.

Love Louise xxx

We are all just doing our best to grow good humans

Friendships - For a season, a reason and a lifetime

A month in to this separation period and we've survived this far! OK so there seems to be bump in the road of some description each week but I am becoming a pro again at dusting myself off and marching on, it's just remembering how, but it is coming back to me.

I am always reminded when I am flying solo that the network you have around you is SO important, it is your lifeline at that moment in time, in that chapter of your life. I wanted to write a post and share some of my experiences of friendships in this military life that I have had and how important they have been in my patchwork of adult life.

I live by the motto you have friends for a season, a reason and a lifetime...

Way back in 2002 I was a soldier living in Germany, a pregnant soldier for that matter and my husband was deployed to the Iraq war. Anyone who was in the military community at that time knows that particular war and that early Telic deployment was so so hard, no contact at all you just watched the news in tears everyday. I was young, living in a foreign country, didn't have my family around and all my friends had deployed! My husband and I served in the same regiment and there was a guardian angel that came into my life at that very low point in the shape of the Battery Captains wife. Sandra was like a surrogate mum to me, a friend I could rely on who completely took me under her wing and I feel so emotional writing and remembering all she did for me; took me to my scan appointments, came to my antenatal classes, sat and hugged me when I was scared and we even spent Christmas day together one year.

That amazing lady isn't in my life any more but she was in it for a reason and I am so thankful.

Over the years I have learnt that some friendships in the military community can be really intense, especially when we have been based overseas and especially over long deployments. You speak on the phone ten times a day even though you are neighbours, you go food shopping to the Naafi together and share every single thing that happens in your life at that time with each other. At that moment, in that chapter those friendships are really important and often become your lifeline because you are living the same life, the same challenges and being with others that understand is the best tonic. You are stronger with each other.

I don't speak to all those people all the time now but they have all got a fond place in my heart because for that time, these friends for a season were my lifeline.

I have never been massively in the thick of it in the military communities I have lived because I was serving, after I got out I worked full time and now my child is a teenager so don't mix with others at this posting as no opportunity to.

Right now in the present my rocks are my lifelong friends, the ones I have know since I was at school or there abouts, the ones that know me better than anyone, the ones that no matter where in the world I have been based they have visited, they have been there sending me love, support and picking up the phone to my tears and I am lucky that these girls are locationally not that far from me and can be in my every day life currently. Last week wasn't the best as you may have read from previous post but I saw all three of my best friends at certain points and I felt emotionally refueled and ready to face the world again.

To those lifers, thank you.

Whatever your current military situation you absolutely need a support network, you need someone who is right there with you for strength and for comfort. Go knock on your next door neighbour or post a note saying "Lets drink wine" just this Sunday my neighbour and her adorable little boy came and we ate a roast and crumble, we exchanged stories of not sleeping, how much we hate Sundays alone and how we haven't had calls and all was good in the world again. Don't under estimate the power of a friendly face, even one you may not know very well.

Crumble and a friendly face makes a solo Sunday better

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, some are for seasons some are for reasons and some are for a lifetime but all are important in this military life we live, being strong constantly can be tiring and having a support network of some form is important for you and your well-being. You will look back in years to come and remember those people and smile, just like I do and be thankful they were there at that time in your life. Have an open mind and an open heart, let people in and be there for others, it will lead to your own colourful patchwork of life and memories.

Here's to friendship, of all shapes and sizes.

Love Louise xxxx

Its never rains but it pours....

I promised to blog an honest account throughout this separation period we are experiencing and I want it to be the good days and the bad days, by doing this I am hoping it will really show anyone from the military community that stumbles across this blog that everything you are feeling is normal and we are all going through exactly the same emotions.

Sharing will hopefully bring strength and comfort.

I WAS DOING SO WELL!!!!! I really was and three weeks in I gave myself a pat on the back, no tears thus far and day by day I was getting through them....we were all present and correct at school and work and we were all fed! Total result in my eyes.

Experience has taught me that when solo parenting over a long period it is all OK if everything is going to plan, everyone is well, no surprises and even the odd singular hurdle here and there I seem to be able to navigate alright.....it all goes horribly wrong when the wheels completely come off and a multitude of things all happen at the same time and I feel totally overwhelmed, totally alone and totally beaten.

That is exactly what happened these last few days....the wheels dramatically came off....although I am fully aware things are magnified at the moment and I am feeling hypersensitive because communications are so sporadic and almost non existent.

It's all real life stuff nothing major on reflection.....I have really bad ulcers at the moment which are making me dribble (attractive) and literally wince with pain, I spilt gel nail remover on my laptop which has made all the keys lift and some even come off (after some panic TLC the laptop started working again), the cat was dramatically sick everywhere which I just can't handle and my daughter has been off school poorly on top of work being really busy and all the normal stuff.

I just sat on my bed and sobbed. 

I have a great small network of best friends mostly from school days and I text a few of them and gained some strength, they made me laugh and I reminded myself it is OK to cry, it is OK to be sad, it is OK to be overwhelmed when a few things go wrong. Tomorrow is another day.

• Try to have a few very close family or friends who you feel comfortable calling mid wobble 
• Be kind to yourself, don't strive for perfection because we can really only do so much
• Try where at all possible to have a bad day and not let it spiral into a bad week
• Do not take your nail varnish off next to your laptop!!!!

RIP keyboard keys

If there is anyone who is completely unaffected while their serving partner is away for a period of time then I totally take my hat off to them, sometimes it hits us when we are least expecting it and it is definitely normal whatever your circumstance to have a wobble here and there, we are all human.

I am coming out the other side, seeing some favourite faces over the next few days which always fills my emotional fuel tank to the brim and bonjela is my new best friend!

If you are having a wobble this week, read this and know you are not alone I am right there with you.

A couple of blogs coming up that will be more about information spreading, good sites and products I have found along the way to help military families....if you have any to add that have helped you let me know and I will include.

Lots of love, Louise xxx

The dust has settled....ish

Here we are two and a bit weeks into a separation period of a few months and we have definitely entered the 'situation normal' stage, no longer wearing a sad face every day and all trace that a man....especially a soldier man ever did live in the house has disappeared! All uniform is away, all his washing done and hidden and the cushions stay plumped!!!!!

Routine is BACK......with a vengeance. 

I would say this stage is a mixed bag for me, the dust has settled...ish and especially with the summer holidays over, school has returned, clubs have returned and normality is upon us. That normality while I am solo parenting for a long period can turn into a hamster wheel of repetition.....

 Get up

Go to school and work

Come home

Drop off to a club

Come home

Go to bed

REPEAT

That is life in general of course, I know that, but what I am finding this time is my daughter is older, a teenager and rightly has her own life and it is a busy one so time on my own seems to be more frequent, those military spouses with no children will I am sure be nodding and identify with this, also people with little ones would feel this in the evenings too? I even found myself looking at a dog rescue site but no idea how I'd fit a bloody dog into life too. 

I don't like to use the term loneliness because in life I am not lonely I have tons of friends and family and hobbies but there is an air of loneliness sometimes when my husband is away from home for an elongated period of time. Loneliness for for adult conversation, for a TV buddy, for hugs, to share the parent taxi role and to just tell about your bad day at the office.

So those with older children or no children, what are your tips for a period of separation?

Communications aren't great this time for us due to an accumulation of things and while browsing Instagram I came across a really good blog post from bythesaltysea.com and I couldn't have explained it better, ok so she is a US military spouse but this scenario she talks of...this is where we are at and its so hard to explain, in summary it is sporadic and in 17 days I have spoken to my husband for approximately 11 minutes. Read the post HERE 

I find hardest the fact I can't pick up the phone and call when I need to and get the reassurance I need at that moment, that advice, or have the opportunity to shout really bloody loudly that I am wading through treacle on that particular day and its all a bit of struggle because they are on the other side of the world.

the story of my life at the moment........

You hear ALL the time "military spouses are so strong" well yes but this is because we have no choice in the matter, sometimes I feel totally empowered when going through a separation period, I kind of walk with a feeling of total independence punching the air feeling like I am totally killing it and then like yesterday I sob on the mechanic in the car garage. 

It's a roller-coaster

If you are new to this military game, if you are an old hat and been doing it for years and years I like to think there is lots of hints and tips and just strength we can pass to each other, if nothing else it brings comfort, I like to know I'm not the only one who sometimes can not face to get out of bed for yet another Sunday on my own.

So let me know how you are getting on and your top deployment tips and lets spread that strength and comfort.

Lots of love Louise xxxx

Readjustment

Now I am not entirely sure if this readjustment phase I wanted to blog about is something other people go through or if it is just something I feel? As I said in my previous post I want to blog throughout this latest deployment and all the thoughts and feelings I journey through to bring strength to other military families also experiencing separation, so we all know we are not alone.

We are in this together.

Read previous post; The emotional fuel tank  

A week or so before my husband goes away for a substantial period of time I seem to distance myself, I detach myself from him to prove in my head I can do it alone. This isn't ideal for anyone because it often ruins that last week or so before a deployment but...it is how I process the situation. It is me proving to myself I am not dependent.

And then he goes.

I always allow myself a week or maybe 10 days to readjust. It is never plain sailing at the beginning because often it is the middle of the night they get up and go or they get delayed, it is always subject to change so in your mind it is hard to feel in control.

Once he's gone my initial feeling is always sadness, I feel very vulnerable and alone. Doing a load of washing his boxers are still in the laundry basket, his ironing is still in the pile, his slippers are still by the bed and this brings waves of sadness, it seems such a huge mountain of time to climb until he comes home.

Once that washing is done I won't let myself wallow for more than a day or so it is then time to dig deep, form a routine and be strong. I know I can do this, I always do, it is just remembering how.

My coping mechanism is always to make plans, weekends are the worst especially Sundays so I make sure where I can I see friends or family or have a day out with my girlie, being busy really does make time pass quicker. I have been using the weekly planner template from Little Troopers to help, you can download it for free HERE

This time there is some intermittent WIFI for a week or so which means some what's app messages so I know he's OK but we haven't spoken since he left. When I talk to people outside the military they can never quite get their heads around what we go through, it seems normal to us but so alien to others. It is a strange concept I guess to be apart for months with limited communication.

Do you go through a period of readjustment? 

What is your experiences of the first part of deployment?

Nearly a week in now so we are getting in a routine but at the very bottom of the big time mountain, with the odd letter from the postman reminding me that there is a soldier shaped gap in our home right now.

So far only one wobble and that was when one of our fish died and I had to flush it....theses things ALWAYS seem to happen just as they walk out the door!!!

Love Louise xxx

To 'keep busy' we went exploring in the countryside

It never gets any easier

Firstly I feel really bad that the blog has been somewhat neglected! its nearly a whole YEAR since I last wrote a blogpost but the charity work with Little Troopers has been so so busy with the launch of our Little Troopers Treasures app and the Little Troopers at School project, can't believe its August already.

I tend to want to blog when I am in a reflective place wanting to share my thoughts and feelings on a situation I am in. As I always say I am living and breathing this military family life...my husband is serving, I have a daughter, we living in military housing, we move a lot...I am right there with all of you who are also living it.

At 0300hrs my husband got up in the night put on his uniform and went out the door, we won't see him again for a few months as he deploys overseas.

He has been away so much in the 17 years I have known him, we've been married 14 of those years. I've been a serving soldier, I have been the one going away on deployments and it really is easier being the one going away, you are busy and distracted, surrounded by people 24/7 so time seems to pass faster. He would probably disagree!

Many say to me "you must get used to it I suppose" Nope, I don't "it must get easier" Nope, it doesn't "you are made of strong stuff, you'll be fine" Yup I am and I am sure I will be. BUT I absolutely feel it gets harder the longer I am in this game, I get more anxious, it takes longer in that readjustment period once they have gone and I seem to miss him more. Its like wading through treacle sometimes.

On the positives I have learnt over the years how I deal with separation best, I now have the awesome Little Troopers community to draw from, I have developed coping mechanisms and my friends right by my side. So it isn't all treacle wading!

This time he hasn't gone anywhere dangerous "at least he's not going to war" yes I suppose all those people who have said that to me the last week are right, he isn't and thank god because I really didn't cope well with Iraq or Afghanistan and I truly believe those deployments changed me as a person (that's another blog post) but wherever he goes it is away, there is a time difference, communication is sporadic and I can't bloody ring him to tell him the cat has been sick on the bloody carpet AGAIN and I hate cleaning it up.

Even the cat didn't want him to go!

My Little Trooper is not so little she's 14 now and very aware he's going away for a few months and got a bit moody about it but didn't want to talk, she clung on to him a little tighter last night when he said goodbye. She's good company when he is away and once the Summer holidays are over routine will prevail! Teenagers are hard though, just like babies and toddlers are, it is just a different set of challenges....should I let her go to Thorpe Park on her own?! suddenly I have to make that decision on my own because he is away and I really don't know the answer.

I will blog throughout this deployment because I want every other military spouse out there with a partner away to know we are all finding our way through this military life, we are all in this together and hopefully can take strength from each other.

I'm right here living it with you. 

I text my husband when he was boarding his flight and said "I'm sad" and he replied "Don't be poppet be positive, it will go quicker" he's right...lets be positive, together.

Love Louise xxx